What's not to like

I am a 33-year old single woman. My last relationship lasted two and a half years and the one before that lasted about five years. Today, I am living a typical single's life in the Bay Area. Dating casually, the other person very well knows that you might be seeing someone else at the same time. There are so many single people and none of them seem to want to commit, including myself. Well, being single is not at all a stigma in this part of the world. Being single is a time to enjoy your friends and your freedom. One cannot commit because nobody quite fits one's criteria of an ideal mate. And if you settle, you might miss out on the next great guy or gal that you meet online.

Of course it's catch-22. I am crazy about this guy I met several months ago. He calls me every other week for a movie or something. And no, he doesn't see that I want him more than just a casual relationship. Or maybe he knows it, but he doesn't really want a relationship, with me or anybody. He recently got a divorce when I met him. He has a very young daughter that he shares custody with his ex-wife with. This is his second divorce and yeah he just wants to be single because he is embracing his freedom from wife-terror!!! His ex-wife took the house he invested in for what he thought would be a life-long bliss. His heart shattered for the second time and yes, he wants to take a break and be alone. But I am crazy about him. And so when he calls to see me, I am always available.

But that doesn't mean my world had stopped because of him. I am still out there looking. I am still building a career; I still go to school for higher education. I still go out with my friends. I still pay my mortgage. "Don't do that because of me" "I am not that great", he would say to me. I know very well what that means. I say the same things to guys that I am not too interested in. He has told me all the lines that I would tell someone I am not into. I see this very clearly. And yet I still can't let him go. While I haven't found the right guy, I would still be answering his booty calls. I have turned him down in many occasions though. I wanted to let him know that sometimes I just want to see him and spend time with him. When I tell him I like him, he would say "what's not to like". And I would say "nothing".

He will never see me as someone more than what I am now to him. But I like him so. He stormed my world the night I first met him. And my world have not been struck so immensely since. And so I could not commit to anybody else. And I love myself more and so I have not created my world around him. But I wish my world is his world too.